Am I Too Young To Be This Concerned?

So here’s the question no one wants to ask because no one wants to really grow up. Seriously at what age do you stop dating for fun and start dating for marriage material? If you want to move in with a person does that automatically make them marriage material? I only ask because I love my current boyfriend but I’m not really seeing us getting married.I wanna start thinking about seriously being engaged in the next 3 -4 years but I can’t foresee us agreeing on the things that typically make a marriage successful, like morals and basic everyday lifestyle choices. It’s fine for now because we dont live together and we dont have any children, but if we were to live together and I dont see us making it past that experience. I dont know how much of a bad thing this is. I’m and the person that wants to get married before 30 and believes in long relationships and long engagements before marriage . I just dont know if breaking up with a person because you think it will be bad in the future; even though the present is good, is the right choice. if i wanna be engaged in 3 years shouldn’t i be dating for that guy nowish? I mean the ultimate goal is to get married, right? Then is dating long term for fun a waste of time? I’m not the jump from guy to guy type of girl. when I’m with a person I’m with them for a long time, I try to make it work for as long as I can. But is all that a waste of time if I dont hear wedding bells every time  we discuss a difficult topic? I like to date drastically different guys but is not having a type and not having strict standards setting me up for failure? It’s so hard to find a guy my age who is only interested in one girl and one girl only, I’ve been lucky so far and i dont wanna screw up a good thing, but if my guy ever proposed with the way things are now I’d have to decline, then whose time would i be wasting then? just don’t wanna break any hearts including my own, past, present or future.

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~ by Connie on November 10, 2012.

2 Responses to “Am I Too Young To Be This Concerned?”

  1. I think there should be a law that says you have to wait until at least 30 to get married = ) No, I am not a bitter guy or any of that jazz. I have just made it over 30 and learned that until you solidify who you really are, know your adults likes and dislikes, identify the hobbies you love and are actively involved with and part of your happy routine (and would never give up for someone else!), until you and your mate have made it into your careers and have gotten a minimum of 2-3 (4-5 is an interesting hump and will tell you more) years at the same company, until your physical (health, type of activities you would enjoy with another, eating habits and tastes) and chemical equations (many disorders are manageable with medicines, but you need to know your mates situation, family histories (really ask relatives, you would be surprised what the family keeps from you as you grow up). Do you have a 1, 3, and 5 year career goals? Do you know the types of spoilage is important to you, and have you done it by yourself to make sure you really like the type of spoilage; some people like cars, some gadgets, some visiting family/friends, some like to travel around the world. Do you live by a budget, know how it really works, have investments going and a savings to support your spoilage that is important to you. Now, admit like we all do, “some of this is hard to quickly do, it changes from time to time, and perhaps I struggle with what really makes me happy.” Not saying I know you or anything, but identifying all the above is really important, it is extremely important to know yourself, to give yourself the time to know what makes you happy, write it down and post the reminders on your fridge, iphone, whereever. When you are doing this, you can not list relationships, getting married, having children, or any of that TV stuff (not yet). This exploration is to be selfish, to know what you need and how to get it, and what you would do to be happy if you never dated again. Feeling that love from someone else is automatic, if they are the right person. But, they can give you what you need to be truly happy. They can be part of your plan, but their actions should not affect your happiness and will not affect it if you have a plan for YOUR happiness.

    NOW, do you your all this stuff about him? You need to be mature enough to ask these questions if you guys are really ready to move in with one another. Otherwise, you need to ask yourself why it is hard to do and you will see where you future problems will be. As well, the biggest talk should be about money; who is paying for what, is everything half each, do you want to share all good purchases or are there things that will be yours and his in the inventory? What if one of you loses your job, will the other expect two parttime jobs until another fulltime job is accomplished because of bills? What is fair with rent/cable/power, who gets stuck with the lease if it doesn’t work out. How will laundry, dishes, garbage, and all that work…..when you are both tired, will one of you be annoyed that they dishes are in the sink, not put away, do you like to clean all day Sunday or a little bit each day.

    Moving in together….has he already ask and you need to respond? Hopefully not. But, if so it is better to be honest up front and tell him your concerns of wanting things to as they should (wait until marriage is my opinion after trying it the other way twice) for a serious commitment like moving in together. Not being honest that the relationship might not end where he hopes is a very hard path if the issue surfaces after weaving your clothes, furniture, finances, sleeping headquarters, etc.

    The soft and fluffy and fun parts of moving in together typically override everything above. But, take a couple of hours to talk to him about these things. A couple hours of soul searching is a lot better than possibly months/years of pain of moving forward to spare him his feelings or to fit some timetable that was created by the movies. I hope he is the one, but if he is not most people find their true love when they aren’t looking and it happens naturally. Relax, enjoy your time with whomever you are around, good things will come.

    • This was all great advice and very helpful. Sorry it took so long to reply, I was busy panicking about my future. I’m just one of those kids that second guesses every decision. I’m always afraid that I will end up unhappy with no one to blame but my self. Thank you for your thoughtful words and kind advice. I will Think of your words when It’s time to make the hard decisions.
      x0 connie

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